Nightmares

Have you ever had a dream you can't wake up from? It's not so bad when the dream is about winning the lottery, or being famous.

All I dream about is the end of the world. Fucked up right?

I went home yesterday; sat on my bed at 4pm. I had no intention of sleeping, and I wasn't even tired. I had plans, things I wanted to do. As I was sitting on my bed I started walking. I went to look at new apartments with Marc. They were beautiful and big, all for wonderful prices. I couldn't understand why, but one apartment was half missing, the other half replaced with a store that sat right next door. I told Marc that this was too weird to buy. Then I was alone driving in my car. It was getting dark, and as the sun set I noticed cars parked all along side the road down 422. There was a lake next to the road. Boats were crashing into each other and sinking. There were a lot of cars but none of them were moving. People were screaming and running. I couldn't understand what was happening. Was something coming?

I checked my iphone, with the crack in the corner, and tried to Google the news. No reception. People started going insane all around me. I realized this was too crazy to be real. I started telling myself to "wake up", "Wake UP Malory WAKE UP!". But I didn't. I was stopped, in my car, watching the madness, in a place I've been many times before but not under this circumstance. I knew that something bad was going to happen, and that where I was at that moment was not the right place to be. Then I realized that Ireland was missing. I tried to start the car, but it wouldn't start. I got out, and saw a big shadow come over the sky. I started screaming, telling myself to wake up. I still couldn't, to me, it was all real and I realized I was going to die, and I had no idea where my daughter was and if she was safe.

Then the doorbell rang. It was dark. I was in my bed - the clock read 8pm. I couldn't understand what had happened, where I was. I felt like I was still in danger, so I looked out the window to the outside of my apartment. Everything was in its place. The person at the doorbell was my mother, wondering why I hadn't answered my phone after she had called me four times. The phone had been right next to my head while I lay sleeping, ringtone on and at full volume.

It took me until just now, the day after to shake off that dream. It may not sound scary, but the fact that I was unaware I fell asleep, the fact that I couldn't wake up, the fact that I felt I was about to die was horrifying.

The last time I had a dream that severe was two weeks ago. The same thing, it was midday, and I had no intentions of sleeping, when all of a sudden I was downstairs in the living room and I noticed my clock had stopped. Everything had stopped. The earth had stopped moving. The world stopped at 6:11am, and it stayed that way. At first I heard crashing, explosions, panic. When I looked outside, I noticed a lot of things were missing. Many things were gone, disappeared into the atmosphere. But I was still there. For hours and hours I was there, and the sun never came up. Nothing worked, no cellphones, no television. Everything was dying, and so was I. I remember being huddled with my family, weak and starving, when I knew I was about to go. I couldn't believe it, and once again I started telling myself to wake up but I didn't. Over and over "wake up! wake up", but I was still there, huddled, more worried about Ireland than I was about myself. When I came to it was five hours later, once again, on my bed, with 8 missed calls.

Is this normal? What is happening to me? Is it the medication that I've been taking? The medications I've taken in the past?

It is to the point where I am afraid to fall asleep.

Funny Colors

Since nobody actually reads this blog, I can pretty much say whatever I want without consequence, so here goes:

I accidentally took acid tonight.

It's a long and stupid story involving a friend who was stupid enough to leave it out on his table next to a bowl full of Doritos. I love Doritos. So, yeah - needless to say somehow I ended up accidentally eating it. Had no clue until I started feeling funny and my friend realized he couldn't find it. I have no clue how this stuff happens to me.

But on to my post. I am coming down from the most insane mental roller coasters I've ever ridden. It has been approximately 6 hours since I ate it, and I am finally just now starting to feel normal. I can't explain the experience. It would come on in waves, where you'd start an action and then get lost in that action, and just be so lost in whatever experience until you just snap out of it and start to do something else - only to start to do something else and then realize everything is changing colors and your starting to trip again. It's non-stop tripping. Barely a few seconds break before the next one started. I'd have moments where I'd grip my head and try to tell myself to stop, but I just couldn't. One moment it'd feel as if the room was breathing - another minute you feel like it is closing in on you. You can try to enjoy it but when the trip keeps peaking you start to panic, and think it's going to last forever even though you know deep down it isn't

I'd go into the moral and terrifying consequences of taking LSD but I'm still kind of high and the screen is turning funny colors.

But I just had to tell someone this happened to me, so enjoy non-readers and have yourself a good night.

Dreams and Fairytales

You ever stop, and think what you were doing at this exact moment a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago?

You ever stop, and think what you will be doing at this time of year next year, five years from now, ten years from now?

I remember most of the times I've done this. Drifting away into memories of the past, only to wake up where I am now - trying to connect the pieces as to how I've gotten here. There are so many moments I wish I could keep with me, relive them, experience them again for the first time. And what about regrets? Do they even mean anything anymore? You can regret, and wish and hope but what is done, is done, and what will be, will be.

There is a moment I relive many times that I will not describe in full detail here. But the magic of it, the suddenness, and the excitement stays with me to this day. It is a fairytale moment that only little girls dream of, then forget promptly upon entering adulthood. Only this is one I will never forget. This is that one that creeps into my dreams, time after time, making me shocked when I wake up to a different reality.

But the times have changed, and we are all growing up. We have accepted our circumstances, and we are trying to make the best of them. I was angry, bitter, for so long - not knowing if it would ever happen. When it did, it was so short - so little time to gather it and store it away in fear that it would never come again. But here we are, tiny remnants of what once was sparkling in our eyes. We can pretend not to care, but it was once there. So long back, so far gone. But it existed.

I will live my life remembering that moment always, because it was the realization that dreams do sometimes come true. I will accept that sometimes things, people, come and go, but that we can make for ourselves a different reality, a different fairytale. New dreams will come, new people will come.

But this dream is one I don't think I can ever let go. For me, some time ago, it was long gone until it actually happened. That moment is what I will cherish. It can never penetrate me again the way it once did, for I have a different life, a different set of circumstances. But it will live forever in my heart as the the one dream that actually came true.