Hearthurt

What to type in such short notice! I usually have a blog idea in my head before I start typing, but this time I'm just looking for something to do. Tosh.0 is on and is somewhat entertaining, but my husband is currently traveling hundreds of miles an hour in the air away from me and my heart hurts. I thought I would be better than this but I am really worried about him. I will worry about him until he lands back here in Lihue 7 days from now.

God please, keep my husband safe. Let him use his common sense to get where he needs to go. Let the judges and people working on his DUI case have compassion for him and see what he is going through to do the right thing. Let this all work out without breaking us.

Thank you.

The letter you never got

Dear Alex,

You are a fucking asshole and I hate you. I didn't want to hate you, I really wanted to give you a chance. But you are fucking clueless and either gay or evil - I'm not sure which yet. I did some top notch jobs for you and organized your entire fucking business financial history and you tell me you can't fucking find the Sales Receipt folder? It's under the file marked, "Sales Receipts" - Jesus! What a dick I am for organizing the sales receipts and putting them in separate folders like that! How dare I not leave them lying on the middle of the floor next to two dead cockroaches and a pile of gecko shit where you had them before! What was I thinking??

And unprofessional! Yes how professional am I! To get back to you a day later to tell you I quit after you left me a message. When I'm pretty sure that was 1 of 3 voice messages you've ever left me ever! You never call me, never message me, never tell me what you need done after the countless times I've called you, texted you, facebooked you, left you notes at home, etc. And unreliable! Yes I am so fucking unreliable because I'm quitting. At least by quitting, I know I won't have to worry about whether or not you'll actually be able to pay me this week! You can't even pay your fucking workers, how are you going to expand your business? With all of the magical hippie people you parade into your door night after night? The same hippies you offer to live in your house a day after you meet them? Your house! Your fucking one and a half room house complete with a cockroach and gecko shit collections! How lucky am I to scrub the organic hippie shit mixture from your rotting warped pans that I"m going to dry and stack up on the counter only for them to be shit on by ten thousand geckos the next time I come by!

I will go tomorrow. I will clean your shit and organize your corner. I will teach you how to do a Craiglist ad and not laugh at you for not knowing how to do a Craiglist ad. But if you say one.fucking.thing. about me, my husband or anyone else in my fucking family, I am going to just go for it and punch you as hard as I can in the face. I don't know if it will even hurt - I'm not a very good puncher, but I'm sure if I throw in a couple elbows after, you'll get the point.

And then after that I can say "fuck you" and never have to set foot in your mosquito-infested house ever again, motherfucker.

Die.

Nightmares

Have you ever had a dream you can't wake up from? It's not so bad when the dream is about winning the lottery, or being famous.

All I dream about is the end of the world. Fucked up right?

I went home yesterday; sat on my bed at 4pm. I had no intention of sleeping, and I wasn't even tired. I had plans, things I wanted to do. As I was sitting on my bed I started walking. I went to look at new apartments with Marc. They were beautiful and big, all for wonderful prices. I couldn't understand why, but one apartment was half missing, the other half replaced with a store that sat right next door. I told Marc that this was too weird to buy. Then I was alone driving in my car. It was getting dark, and as the sun set I noticed cars parked all along side the road down 422. There was a lake next to the road. Boats were crashing into each other and sinking. There were a lot of cars but none of them were moving. People were screaming and running. I couldn't understand what was happening. Was something coming?

I checked my iphone, with the crack in the corner, and tried to Google the news. No reception. People started going insane all around me. I realized this was too crazy to be real. I started telling myself to "wake up", "Wake UP Malory WAKE UP!". But I didn't. I was stopped, in my car, watching the madness, in a place I've been many times before but not under this circumstance. I knew that something bad was going to happen, and that where I was at that moment was not the right place to be. Then I realized that Ireland was missing. I tried to start the car, but it wouldn't start. I got out, and saw a big shadow come over the sky. I started screaming, telling myself to wake up. I still couldn't, to me, it was all real and I realized I was going to die, and I had no idea where my daughter was and if she was safe.

Then the doorbell rang. It was dark. I was in my bed - the clock read 8pm. I couldn't understand what had happened, where I was. I felt like I was still in danger, so I looked out the window to the outside of my apartment. Everything was in its place. The person at the doorbell was my mother, wondering why I hadn't answered my phone after she had called me four times. The phone had been right next to my head while I lay sleeping, ringtone on and at full volume.

It took me until just now, the day after to shake off that dream. It may not sound scary, but the fact that I was unaware I fell asleep, the fact that I couldn't wake up, the fact that I felt I was about to die was horrifying.

The last time I had a dream that severe was two weeks ago. The same thing, it was midday, and I had no intentions of sleeping, when all of a sudden I was downstairs in the living room and I noticed my clock had stopped. Everything had stopped. The earth had stopped moving. The world stopped at 6:11am, and it stayed that way. At first I heard crashing, explosions, panic. When I looked outside, I noticed a lot of things were missing. Many things were gone, disappeared into the atmosphere. But I was still there. For hours and hours I was there, and the sun never came up. Nothing worked, no cellphones, no television. Everything was dying, and so was I. I remember being huddled with my family, weak and starving, when I knew I was about to go. I couldn't believe it, and once again I started telling myself to wake up but I didn't. Over and over "wake up! wake up", but I was still there, huddled, more worried about Ireland than I was about myself. When I came to it was five hours later, once again, on my bed, with 8 missed calls.

Is this normal? What is happening to me? Is it the medication that I've been taking? The medications I've taken in the past?

It is to the point where I am afraid to fall asleep.

Funny Colors

Since nobody actually reads this blog, I can pretty much say whatever I want without consequence, so here goes:

I accidentally took acid tonight.

It's a long and stupid story involving a friend who was stupid enough to leave it out on his table next to a bowl full of Doritos. I love Doritos. So, yeah - needless to say somehow I ended up accidentally eating it. Had no clue until I started feeling funny and my friend realized he couldn't find it. I have no clue how this stuff happens to me.

But on to my post. I am coming down from the most insane mental roller coasters I've ever ridden. It has been approximately 6 hours since I ate it, and I am finally just now starting to feel normal. I can't explain the experience. It would come on in waves, where you'd start an action and then get lost in that action, and just be so lost in whatever experience until you just snap out of it and start to do something else - only to start to do something else and then realize everything is changing colors and your starting to trip again. It's non-stop tripping. Barely a few seconds break before the next one started. I'd have moments where I'd grip my head and try to tell myself to stop, but I just couldn't. One moment it'd feel as if the room was breathing - another minute you feel like it is closing in on you. You can try to enjoy it but when the trip keeps peaking you start to panic, and think it's going to last forever even though you know deep down it isn't

I'd go into the moral and terrifying consequences of taking LSD but I'm still kind of high and the screen is turning funny colors.

But I just had to tell someone this happened to me, so enjoy non-readers and have yourself a good night.

Dreams and Fairytales

You ever stop, and think what you were doing at this exact moment a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago?

You ever stop, and think what you will be doing at this time of year next year, five years from now, ten years from now?

I remember most of the times I've done this. Drifting away into memories of the past, only to wake up where I am now - trying to connect the pieces as to how I've gotten here. There are so many moments I wish I could keep with me, relive them, experience them again for the first time. And what about regrets? Do they even mean anything anymore? You can regret, and wish and hope but what is done, is done, and what will be, will be.

There is a moment I relive many times that I will not describe in full detail here. But the magic of it, the suddenness, and the excitement stays with me to this day. It is a fairytale moment that only little girls dream of, then forget promptly upon entering adulthood. Only this is one I will never forget. This is that one that creeps into my dreams, time after time, making me shocked when I wake up to a different reality.

But the times have changed, and we are all growing up. We have accepted our circumstances, and we are trying to make the best of them. I was angry, bitter, for so long - not knowing if it would ever happen. When it did, it was so short - so little time to gather it and store it away in fear that it would never come again. But here we are, tiny remnants of what once was sparkling in our eyes. We can pretend not to care, but it was once there. So long back, so far gone. But it existed.

I will live my life remembering that moment always, because it was the realization that dreams do sometimes come true. I will accept that sometimes things, people, come and go, but that we can make for ourselves a different reality, a different fairytale. New dreams will come, new people will come.

But this dream is one I don't think I can ever let go. For me, some time ago, it was long gone until it actually happened. That moment is what I will cherish. It can never penetrate me again the way it once did, for I have a different life, a different set of circumstances. But it will live forever in my heart as the the one dream that actually came true.

Hair of the Dog

It occurred to me today, after spending eight straight hours in the same exact spot on the couch, that I should probably be doing something more productive with my week off from work.

Since Ireland is at daycare and then at Marc's parents house on Wednesday, it literally leaves me with large portions of my day for any activity I wish to do. Only I haven't done anything so far, and so far I have absolutely no plans whatsoever.

Sure, I could write that Emmy award-winning song I've been planning to write, or learn to speak French, or god forbid, clean my house... but you know, I'd have to get up and like, move around and stuff.

So I'm facing a dilemma: either potentially waste a week of freedom by doing nothing (which some might say is not wasting it at all), or, find the motivation to water some plants and actually feed the fish for once. Ugh. I shall watch House, and he shall provide me with the wisdom to make my decision... hopefully based on some sort of insult to a patient or snide remark to a colleague.